9/12/08

Pulled Pork

Do you hate your job? Oh, cheer up. How bad can it be? Is your career worse than being a... let's say... animal masturbator? Let's find out how to "extract a specimen" from a boar, just to be sure. I easily found this information on a government website, so rest assured this is the tried-and-true method of porcine seduction. It happens all the time on the farm, so if you eat bacon, you have nothing to be offended about. First thing you'll have to do is build a dummy that will attract the beast's wandering eye. Here's the blueprint (click to enlarge):


Now, crouch under the mount you've just built and call your pig over. it should be the right dimensions for him to straddle it under his own volition.
Ready to get down to business? Okay. Take a breath. Remember, you can do this. The following text is invisible in the interest of good taste. Click-and-hold your mouse cursor over the passage to reveal:
When the boar is mounted on the dummy grasp the spiral end of his penis with the hand. Allow the boar to thrust through the clenched hand a few times before applying pressure. Hand pressure on the spiral part of the penis, imitates that of the oestrus sow's cervix, stimulating ejaculation. With experience, it becomes obvious that some boars prefer more pressure than others. The long hairs around the boar's prepuce should be clipped to minimise injury.
When the penis is 'locked' in the hand and the boar relaxes, a four-phase ejaculation follows in a few seconds, taking 5 to 10 minutes to complete. The first phase, called the pre-sperm fraction, has clear seminal fluid, some gel, dead sperm cells and is heavily contaminated with bacteria. It should not be collected.
The next phase is the sperm-rich fraction, easily recognised by its creamy-white colour. Although only 50 ml in volume, it contains the greatest density of spermatozoa. Because spermatozoa are very sensitive to rapid temperature change, a warm, dry, insulated collecting flask is required to safeguard semen fertility. The third fraction, greyish because of lower density of spermatozoa, accounts for about 80 ml of the collection. Fractions two and three only are collected when semen is to be diluted for storage over a few days.
The fourth phase or post-sperm fraction provides the large semen volume peculiar to pigs. Up to 250 ml of clear seminal plasma free of spermatozoa, plus gel is secreted from the accessory glands. The gel portion apparently has no physiological significance. It is separated from the collection by several layers of gauze or a similar filter fastened over the collection flask. Filtering particles of gel from the semen prevents catheter blockage during insemination. Hair, skin or dust particles from the boar or dummy must also be excluded from the flask during collection.
Large amounts of gel signal the end of ejaculation. When it is clear the boar's erection is fading, a second ejaculation can be stimulated with brief, firm, pulsating hand pressure applied to his penis.

Got all that? Now, let's go apply what we've learned. write back in the comments section to share your experience. Next week we'll cover artificial insemination.

6 comments:

Matt Reoch said...

How many times did they have to stoke a pig to produce this piece of technical writing?

Very nice technique... I may try this on myself!

Oh... and I wouldn't suggest attempting this procedure without a mount!

Anonymous said...

"spiral part of the penis?!"

stexe said...

I read this article when it was first published in 1984 (I was 14) and have been fascinated ever since:

http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/50/does-a-pig-have-a-corkscrew-shaped-penis

Anonymous said...

Suddenly I don't feel so alone in this great big crazy world of ours. Thank you Futurechimp!

josh said...

Some things are better left unknown? -JE

josh said...

(choke, cough, gags of deep revulsion)-- This is a messed-up post, man. I hold you solely responsible for the profound discomfort I now feel. -JE