If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do?

The Churchsploitation Kold-War Klassic! It's nearly an hour long, but well worth the investment of your time, trust me.

Tips for Tomorrow's Cosmonauts

The following text and images are from The Complete Book of Space Travel, dated 1956 and never reprinted. I got it off ebay. The illustrator, Virgil Finlay, turned out a huge amount of work for pulps and astronomy texts from the 30's to the 50's, despite his time-consuming and incredibly detailed drawing style. See more of his work here.

We know there is water on Mars. Mars has a polar ice cap, akin to our arctic regions... the south polar ice cap expands in size in the winter, and contracts and disappears in the summer.... we have seen that Mars has water, and may have small amounts of oxygen, and we know that planets with atmospheres should have histories similar to Earth's...It is pretty generally agreed that Mars has plants. Each springtime shows changes from red to greenish in certain areas. Therefore, if Mars has plants, it must also have animals.

Why could there not be intelligent animal life on Mars? There could be! We may even have a different kind of thing altogether, perhaps intelligent plants. Biology cannot deny the possibility, although biologists are unfamiliar with such beasts.

Although some astronomers have drawn different pictures, they all agree on one thing: the (Martian) canals run in all directions, and even cross each other. Would any natural phenomena make intersecting lines? How can we explain away so many canals as natural phenomena? The chances are against it.

Futurechimp Theater: The Wonder of our Body

More Entertaining than Sea-Monkeys

From the March 1947 issue of Mechanix Illustrated, and referred by the Modern Mechanix blog:
Little John Gray Jr., three months old when these pictures were taken, has seldom been outside of this glass house in which he lives. His showcase home is temperature and humidity controlled, dirt-free and has a built-in air filter. It is partially sound-proof-he can bellow without straining the family nerves. He doesn’t catch cold; visitors can’t pass their germs through the glass and the house’s temperature never varies from 84 degrees. At the slightest deviation, a bell rings. There are no draughts and neither is there the fear of smothering; there are no bed covers. Papa John Gray Sr. built the ingenious baby house in the workshop of his home in Sea Cliff, Long Island, New York. Only time will tell whether the child will escape the usual ills.

FutureChimp Theater: Narcotics- Pit of Despair

Pulled Pork

Do you hate your job? Oh, cheer up. How bad can it be? Is your career worse than being a... let's say... animal masturbator? Let's find out how to "extract a specimen" from a boar, just to be sure. I easily found this information on a government website, so rest assured this is the tried-and-true method of porcine seduction. It happens all the time on the farm, so if you eat bacon, you have nothing to be offended about. First thing you'll have to do is build a dummy that will attract the beast's wandering eye. Here's the blueprint (click to enlarge):


Now, crouch under the mount you've just built and call your pig over. it should be the right dimensions for him to straddle it under his own volition.
Ready to get down to business? Okay. Take a breath. Remember, you can do this. The following text is invisible in the interest of good taste. Click-and-hold your mouse cursor over the passage to reveal:
When the boar is mounted on the dummy grasp the spiral end of his penis with the hand. Allow the boar to thrust through the clenched hand a few times before applying pressure. Hand pressure on the spiral part of the penis, imitates that of the oestrus sow's cervix, stimulating ejaculation. With experience, it becomes obvious that some boars prefer more pressure than others. The long hairs around the boar's prepuce should be clipped to minimise injury.
When the penis is 'locked' in the hand and the boar relaxes, a four-phase ejaculation follows in a few seconds, taking 5 to 10 minutes to complete. The first phase, called the pre-sperm fraction, has clear seminal fluid, some gel, dead sperm cells and is heavily contaminated with bacteria. It should not be collected.
The next phase is the sperm-rich fraction, easily recognised by its creamy-white colour. Although only 50 ml in volume, it contains the greatest density of spermatozoa. Because spermatozoa are very sensitive to rapid temperature change, a warm, dry, insulated collecting flask is required to safeguard semen fertility. The third fraction, greyish because of lower density of spermatozoa, accounts for about 80 ml of the collection. Fractions two and three only are collected when semen is to be diluted for storage over a few days.
The fourth phase or post-sperm fraction provides the large semen volume peculiar to pigs. Up to 250 ml of clear seminal plasma free of spermatozoa, plus gel is secreted from the accessory glands. The gel portion apparently has no physiological significance. It is separated from the collection by several layers of gauze or a similar filter fastened over the collection flask. Filtering particles of gel from the semen prevents catheter blockage during insemination. Hair, skin or dust particles from the boar or dummy must also be excluded from the flask during collection.
Large amounts of gel signal the end of ejaculation. When it is clear the boar's erection is fading, a second ejaculation can be stimulated with brief, firm, pulsating hand pressure applied to his penis.

Got all that? Now, let's go apply what we've learned. write back in the comments section to share your experience. Next week we'll cover artificial insemination.

Futurechimp Theater: Insects as Carriers of Disease