More 3D Fun

Okay Kiddies, I trust you've all received your 3D glasses in the mail by now. Put them on when cued by this week's stereoscopic feature:



Hold Up! Keep those spex on for this Xtra-Xploitive bonus thrill!

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The Museum Pick-Up

Yes, as a matter of fact, that is the reason why I went to art school.

from Picking Up Girls Made Easy, an LP which was sold through advertisements in 1970's adult magazines. Listen to the rest here.

Understanding Others

Holiday Vid-Pick: "Blood Freak"

This Thanksgiving season, be sure to torment your horrible family by screening Blood Freak, history's only Anti-Drug, Pro-Jesus, Turkey-Monster Gore Film.

Synopsis: Steve Hawkes plays Herschell, a vagrant biker who's pulling through Miami. On the highway he meets "Angel", a boring Christian who invites him to her Bible study group and offers him to "crash" at her "pad". Once there, he meets Angel's sister Ann, a swinging chick who's "hooked" on the "dope". After much convincing (and insulting his manhood), Ann gets God-fearing Herschell to take a "drag" off her "joint". He immediately becomes a giggling, spastic drug addict.

To support his habit for the "weed", he gets a job at a turkey farm. His employers invite him to eat a turkey (an entire turkey) without letting him know that they've laced it with an experimental hormone. The "mary jane" and the growth drugs combine to transform Herschell into a turkey-headed monster who needs human blood, and "tokes" of "grass", to survive.

But he's also fallen for Ann, the sister who started all this trouble in the first place. Could they ever be happy together? Will he reject her and return to sister Angel? Will he ever get back to normal? Will he surrender to Christ? Will he lay off the "hippie lettuce"?

This wonderful film is almost suitable for the whole family, and it has a Thanksgiving theme and a pious moral center. Rent it this holiday weekend, while eating your disgusting drug-laced turkey with your repugnant brood.

It's Alive: Tarsius Pumilus

Long thought extinct, several Pygmy Tarsiers have recently been spotted in Sulawesi, Indonesia. These tiny, clawed primates weigh only 1.7 ounces. They're nocturnal, and can turn their heads 180 degrees. The last time one was seen alive was in 1921.

Footage of their discovery:

Music from The Aether

Of the thousands of theremin videos, this is my favorite. It's a beautiful composition, masterfully played (on what many consider to be the world's most difficult instrument), on a futuristic soundstage with the musician in a Star Trek getup. This is Lydia Kavina, the grand-niece of Leon Theremin. He began training her on the instrument when she was nine years old. She continues to tour and give lessons around the world, and has recorded original music and film soundtracks. Visit her website.

If interested, the Moog Etherwave Pro is considered the finest Theremin currently manufactured. If you're on a budget, go with the Paia Theremax. I actually prefer its warmer tone over the Moog models. It's available only as a kit, so you'll need soldering skills. I paid $120 for the components and built my own antennae and case. Pictures and video here.

As mentioned, it can take a while to learn. Mastery depends on absolute pitch (which is most likely a genetic predisposition) and tons of practice. I can barely do anything with it myself, but it's a fun gizmo nonetheless.

I'll Be Your Mirror

From an interview with hack director Tim Burton, describing his experience with chimp actors from way back when he released his atrocious Planet of the Apes remake. It's frustrating that he's assigning a subjective moral code to the workings of nature (a common problem with you humans), but still intriguing enough to deserve its own post:

Look at any research on primates and I think you might agree that chimps are the scariest. In their culture they have murderers, serial killers, and they’re as strong as hell! They can go psychotic on you; one day he was trying to hump me and the next day he was spitting on me, throwing shit at me.

The thing that made them so unnerving to me is that since you were a child they’ve been anthropomorphized and cute–ified, and you look at them and they are very cute and kind of similar – but also not similar, its that unknown quality. That’s the uneasiness about them; most humans would say "Oh they’re cute" because it’s a way of pushing off that dark undercurrent. And that’s what’s weird about the nature of the (movie) itself; without saying anything it shows you the underside of humanity.

As a rebuttal, here's a sophisticated chimp admonishing a baboon:

Futurechimp History: Der Fuhrer's Ball

It's official: Hitler really did have monorchism. A long-lost testimony from the surgeon who treated his WW1 groin injury has surfaced, and it confirms his sorry situation. Read the details here, and a more entertaining tabloid slant on the story here. Both of the articles mention the popular song about the subject, based on the melody from the "Colonel Bogey March". I was taught a variation on the tune way back when I was a lad, and it's still my favorite for bringing "il duce" into the formula:

Hitler has only got one ball
Goerring has two but they are small
Himmler has something similar
but Mussolini has no balls at all


I also have a couple different ideas for screenplays:

- you've probably heard this urban legend. Move the setting to WW1. Show Hitler taking a bullet through the scrotum, which then impregnates a battlefield nurse. The kid is born, discovers his lineage, and follows in his father's footsteps and succeeds in taking over the world. Since he'd have to be born in 1916, it would be "alternative history" set in the 50's or 60's. Still making casting decisions, so email your headshot (jpeg or pdf only) to schutzstaffel-scrote@stexeweb.com.

-"They Saved Hitler's Nut". The surgeon kept the testicle alive, and it survives into the present day. It gets transplanted into Lance Armstrong (so he can have a full set once again), but it takes over his mind. He gets all Hitlered out, then goes and invades Poland. A friend suggested an alternate title: "Neo-Nazi Nutsack".

Futurechimp Kiddie Klassik: The Devil's Ball

(made in 1933 by Ladislas Starevich)

Eyes Without A Face

No, this isn't the trailer for a remake of Les Yeux San Visage. It's an edited informercial for a fountain of youth. They used a Joe Cocker tune as the soundtrack, which I've always found to be very depressing. Turn down the volume on the youtube viewer and play this instead:



(via everything is terrible)

Salt of The Earth

The following text and photos were copied and abridged from four different entries in the Roadside America website. Thanks to J. Furmanski for the referral.

Mark Cline has been building dinosaurs, giant Yogi Bears, Johnny Appleseeds, robots, pirates, bugs, leprechauns, monsters, and space aliens -- mostly for America’s roadside attractions -- since he was 18. "This is all I do," he tells us when we ask. "I just totally slam with it."

The Enchanted Castle was his tourist attraction in the 1990s, acting as a gallery for his craziest work and a stage for his carnival barker sense of showmanship.

That ended in April 2001, when the Castle was gutted by a mysterious fire. Mark believes -- with some credible evidence to support him -- that it was arson, set by local Christian zealots who were spooked by his fiberglass gargoyles and demons.
Mark remembers watching his attraction burn. "People couldn't understand how I couldn't be angry. But in my mind, I was already rebuilding. I just don't give up, dude."

In the yard lie dozens of fiberglass statues in various stages of assembly, strewn helter-skelter as if scattered by a bomb. African animals, a World War I doughboy, a Muffler Man reworked into a giant Transformer robot, King Kong clutching a biplane. Kong is destined for the Pink Cadillac restaurant in Roanoke or maybe the King Kong Restaurant in Omaha -- Mark can't recall exactly.

Dozens of giant blocks of white styrofoam are lining the road and littering the yard. They are the raw material for Foamhenge, awaiting the master's chisel. "About 15 years ago I walked into a place called Insulated Business Systems where they make these huge 16-foot-tall blocks," Mark tells us. "As soon as I saw them I immediately thought of the idea: 'Foamhenge.' It took a while for the opportunity to present itself, of course."

Fifteen years later, after Mark became a vortex of creative chaos in Virginia, he set up a working partnership with the owners of Natural Bridge -- a wonder-of-nature attraction -- and the last megalith fell into place. "They let me do just about anything," Mark tells us gleefully. "They know that I bring people in."

Mark waves a hand over a tiny model of Stonehenge that is resting atop one of the giant blocks. "It took the Druids 1500 years to build Stonehenge. I can do it in ten days." When complete it will be the most photogenic Stonehenge in the world, even more striking than the original, as this one stands on a bluff amid the pretty Blue Ridge Mountains.

It is, Mark points out, the only American Stonehenge that really is an exact replica of the time-worn original. "I went to great pains to shape each 'stone' to its original shape," he tells us, fact-checking his designs and measurements with the man who gives tours of Stonehenge in England. Mark has even consulted a local "psychic detective" named Tom who has advised him on how to position Foamhenge so that it is astronomically correct.

Mark says that he can create four or five Foamhenge megaliths in a day, properly shaped and painted. The reason, of course, is that foam is much more easily worked than rock. That is also its Achilles heel. Foamhenge is, after all, really Styrofoamhenge. A sign at the base of the hill cautions: "Please be gentle. It is foam, not stone." Mark adds hopefully, "It's nonbiodegradable so it might last longer than the original."

Still, the rural setting of Foamhenge and the busted beer bottles at the site hint that this particular spot is attractive to more than Druids and tourists. What happens when some good ol' boy decides to take a hunting knife to Foamhenge, or some Christian zealot attacks it with a chainsaw? Mark is optimistic. "At some point we'll cover it with stucco," he says. "Until then I'm only five minutes down the road with a paintbrush and sandpaper. I'm here to babysit it."

Professor Cline's Haunted Monster Museum & Dark Maze was opened by Cline in 2002. He sees it as a successor to the Castle, as well as a defiant spit-in-the-eye to those who may or may not have started the blaze. "I know who they are," he confides as we hike up another long, sweaty hill -- as we did at Foamhenge. "They're scared of me now."

Pretty much anyone would be scared of Mark after they visit this place. The walk begins through a creaky old gate (modified by Mark to resemble the mouth of a demon), along the crumbling asphalt of a long-abandoned driveway, through what Mark calls "Freakout Forest." Set back in the woods so as to be almost invisible are examples or Mark's more macabre handiwork, including a graveyard, a crashed plane, and an ogre eating a child. "I wanted it to be subtle," Mark tells us.

The Haunted Monster Museum, at the top of the hill, is a spooky, formerly-abandoned Victorian manor built in the 1890s. Mark has added some fiberglass flourishes to the exterior, such as a giant skull and a huge python that slithers in and out of one of the gables, but this place would be creepy even without them, with its overgrown shrubbery, dark, peeling paint, and creaky floorboards. A Bach organ fugue — straight out of “Phantom of the Opera” — booms through the hilltop clearing from hidden speakers.

"This is not a Halloween-type haunted house," he explains as he leaves, closing the door with an ominous thud and throwing of bolts. "It's more Disneyish." (He also describes it as "very comic-bookish" and "like Scooby Doo meets The Twilight Zone.") The Haunted Monster Museum is, in fact, similar to other, well-mounted walk-through haunted house attractions -- such as Alien Encounter in Niagara Falls and House of Frankenstein in Lake George -- with the usual banging and hissing, sirens and honking, flashing police lights and strobes, zombies that pop out of doors, and an Infinity Barrel to destabilize the balance-impaired. What makes this place unique is its setting — a real house — musty, dark, and dank. Mark tells us, with pride, that the Haunted Monster Museum is not open at night, nor does he expect it to be. "A haunted house,” he explains, "should be just as scary in the daytime."

No one can accuse Mark Cline of resting on his laurels. He has taken his hand-made, life size, fiberglass dinosaurs, which stood beside the gas station, restaurant, hair salon, and other businesses in nearby Glasgow -- when Mark was promoting it as "The Town That Time Forgot" -- and has moved them into a new, even more original attraction.


Dinosaur Kingdom is a twist on the biblical Creationist view that people and dinosaurs lived together. Here, people live with dinosaurs -- but only until the dinosaurs eat them.

As the tour begins, visitors are asked to imagine themselves in 1863. A family of Virginia paleontologists has accidentally dug a mine shaft into a hidden valley of living dinosaurs. Unfortunately, the Union Army has tagged along, hoping to kidnap the big lizards and use them as "weapons of mass destruction" against the South.

What you see along the path of Dinosaur Kingdom is a series of tableaus depicting the aftermath of this ill-advised military strategy. As you enter, a lunging, bellowing T-Rex head lets you know that the dinosaurs are mad -- and they only get madder. A big snake has eaten one Yankee, and is about to eat another. An Allasaurus grabs a bluecoat off of his rearing horse while a second soldier futilely tries to lasso the big lizard. Another Yankee crawls up a tree with a stolen egg while the mom dinosaur batters it down. Mark has augmented some of these displays with motors: toothy jaws flap, tails and tongues wag.

Cline is part self-promoter, part dreamer, part businessman, part fiberglass wizard. Despite his ability, he insists that he has no training in art. "I'm not trained in anything,” he tells us. “I'm an entertainer that knows how to do artwork."

Yma Sumac: 1922-2008

Peruvian Soprano/Baritone singer Yma Sumac passed away on Nov. 1st at a care facility in Silverlake, LA (a couple blocks from my house). Read her obituary here.

Click here to listen to "Inca Love Song" from her classic exotica period, a good example of her extraordinary 4+ octave range.

And I have a general policy of never publishing links to album downloads, but this one is out of print so it's cool: Miracles, her "psychedelic rock" album produced by Les Baxter in 1971, bridges the fine line between incredible and intolerable.

And a clip from Secrets of the Incas, a Charlton Heston vehicle filmed on location in Cusco and Machu Picchu which features Yma's otherworldly vocal stylings:

U.S.S. VD: Ship of Shame

Amon Düül II

Nightmare in Wax

I googled "worst wax museum" and this was the top hit: Louis Tussaud's House of Wax in Great Yarmouth, an English seaside resort. For 53 years it's thrilled visitors with uncannily dissimilar resemblances of celebrities. last February, 75 heads went on sale to be replaced with more up-to-date doppelgangers. Owner Peter Hayes explained, "Some of them are too old and they do not resemble their subjects any more. And obviously some visitors are far too young to remember them. We do sell them off from time to time and there are some very nice ones. I would say Diana, Princess of Wales, is the prize of the collection. We have not been able to trace an identity for some of them because the makers did not put names on them, presumably because at the time it would have been obvious to all."

For £50 to £80, you could have taken home one of the severed paraffin skulls seen below. A shame they're no longer on display, but at least we have these pictures to remember them by.

And I thought The Hollywood Wax Museum was bad.

Super-Extreme Elimination Challenge! Match up the waxwork to the name: Prince Charles, Lady Diana, John Travolta, Tom Jones, Shirley Bassey, Richard Burton, Bob Hope, Diana Dors, and Starsky+Hutch. Answers will be revealed in exactly six months. Or possibly never.

Ebay Pick: 1936 Chemistry Set

According to The International Mathematics and Science Study (the largest international scholastic achievement study ever conducted) The U.S.A. placed dead last in physics among the 16 countries tested. We don't fare much better in the other sciences. Part of the problem: no more chemistry sets.

Thanks to the uprising of highly litigious trial lawyers like John Edwards, all the lawsuit-worthy "dangerous" elements have been removed from American science kits. A few decades ago, you could buy The Atomic Energy Lab, which contained radioactive minerals and a geiger counter, or - holy smokes! - a Glassblowing Kit, enabling you to play with 4000-degree molten sand on your mom's kitchen countertop. I'm assuming a full-body asbestos suit was not included.

Hazards be damned. Life is all about taking risks. How else does one learn anything meaningful? With this in mind, bid wisely on this beautiful Gilbert 1936 Science Lab, which has apparently never been used. Lots o' toxins in lovely containers with color lithography manuals and packaging. Place your bid NOW.

And here's a short history of chemistry sets, along with a recommendation for a single kit still on the market and tips on how to set up a lab for you or your exceptionally inquisitive, goal-oriented children.

The 1835 Moon Hoax

Lifted from historybuff.com:

Every History of American journalistic hoaxing properly begins with the celebrated moon hoax which "made" the New York Sun of Benjamin Day. It consisted of a series of articles, allegedly reprinted from the nonexistent Edinburgh Journal of Science, relating to the discovery of life on the moon by Sir John Herschel, eminent British astronomer, who some time before had gone to the Cape of Good Hope to try out a new type of powerful telescope.

On August 25, the Sun ran four columns describing what Sir John had been able to see, looking at the moon through his telescope. So fascinating were the descriptions of trees and vegetation, oceans and beaches, bison and goats, cranes and pelicans that the whole town was talking even before the fourth installment appeared on August 28, 1835, with the master revelation of all: the discovery of furry, winged men resembling bats. The narration was printed as follows:

We counted three parties of these creatures, of twelve, nine and fifteen in each, walking erect towards a small wood... Certainly they were like human beings, for their wings had now disappeared and their attitude in walking was both erect and dignified... About half of the first party had passed beyond our canvas; but of all the others we had perfectly distinct and deliberate view. They averaged four feet in height, were covered, except on the face, with short and glossy copper-colored hair, and had wings composed of a thin membrane, without hair, lying snugly upon their backs from the top of the shoulders to the calves of their legs. The face, which was of a yellowish color, was an improvement upon that of the large orangutan... so much so that but for their long wings they would look as well on a parade ground as some of the old cockney militia.

The hair of the head was a darker color than that of the body, closely curled but apparently not woolly, and arranged in two circles over the temples of the forehead. Their feet could only be seen as they were alternately lifted in walking; but from what we could see of them in so transient a view they appeared thin and very protuberant at the heel...We could perceive that their wings possessed great expansion and were similar in structure of those of the bat, being a semitransparent membrane expanded in curvilinear divisions by means of straight radii, united at the back by dorsal integuments. But what astonished us most was the circumstance of this membrane being continued from the shoulders to the legs, united all the way down, though gradually decreasing in width. The wings seemed completely under the command of volition, for those of the creatures whom we saw bathing in the water spread them instantly to their full width, waved them as ducks do theirs to shake off the water, and then as instantly closed them again in a compact form.

Later stories told of the Temple of the Moon, constructed of sapphire, with a roof of yellow resembling gold. There were pillars seventy feet high and six feet thick supporting the roof of the temple. More man-bats were discovered and readers were awaiting more astounding details, but the Sun told them the telescope had, unfortunately, been left facing the east and the Sun's rays, concentrated through the lenses, burned a hole "15 feet in circumference" entirely through the reflecting chamber, putting the observatory out of commission.

After the hoax was exposed, people were generally amused. It did not seem to lessen interest in the Sun, which never lost its increased circulation.

The $46 Analog Synth

A Japanese Magazine recently packaged this nifty stylus-controlled battery-powered synth with built-in speaker in with their latest issue. It's officially a "kit", but that means you'd spend five minutes with a jeweler's screwdriver to attach the pre-built circuit board to the casing and wire in the power supply. there's 1/8" audio out,so when you hook it up to a decent amplifier it has a very full sound. Amazingly there's also an audio input, which turns the incoming audio signal into a frequency controller. A excellent source would be the $30 Mini-Theremin made by the same company. There's lots of potential for hacking in additional controllers and interfaces. Google "Gakken SX150" to see what some people have already done with it.

Just got mine in the mail today. I plan on keeping it on my desk at work for when inspiration strikes. These will certainly go fast. Make magazine is selling them through their website for $46, but they're already turning up on ebay for twice that price. Highly recommended.

Teenage Caveman

Brainticket

'

Brainticket was a studio project managed by Belgian keyboardist / flautist Joel Vandroogenbroeck with a rotating cast of musicians. Their first record, Cottonwoodhill, is often cited as the most psychedelic recording ever, culminating in the relentless and merciless Brainticket (one and two). Occupying 3/4 of the LP's playing time, it's an onslaught of frantic tabla drumming, ripping organ riffs, skull-smashing blasts of musique concrete and synthesizer noise, and some broad who's freaking out on acid and telling us all about it. Actual text from the album cover:

Advice: After listening to this record your friends won't know you anymore.
Warning: Only listen once a day to this record. Your brain might be destroyed!

This playlist is compiled from three of their releases, 1971-1974 (Cottonwoodhill, Psychonaut and Celestial Ocean) with a couple extra tracks from a Vandroogenbroeck late 70's solo album. Visit his website.

Cryptid Corner: Fouke Monster

edited from wikipedia:

The Fouke Monster is a legendary cryptid reported near the town of Fouke in Miller County, Arkansas during the early 1970s, where it was accused of attacking a local family. It's been described as a large hominid-like creature covered in long dark hair, estimated to be about 7 feet tall with a weight of 250-300 pounds.

Some accounts describe the Fouke Monster as running in a 'hunched/slouched' posture and swinging its arms in a similar fashion to a monkey. Reports also describe it as having a terrible odor and as having bright red eyes, about the size of silver dollars. A variety of tracks and claw marks have been discovered which are claimed to belong to the creature. One set of foot prints reportedly measured 17 inches in length and 7 inches wide, another appeared to show that the creature only had three toes.

Fouke residents claim that an apelike creature had roamed the area since 1964, but that sightings had not been reported to news services. Local legend also holds that the creature can be further traced back to sightings in 1946.

Despite claims of earlier sightings, the Fouke Monster first made headlines in 1971, when it was reported to have attacked the home of Bobby and Elizabeth Ford late on the night of May 1. The creature, which she initially took to be a bear, reached through a screen window while she was sleeping on a couch. It was chased away by her husband and his brother Don, who were returning from a hunting trip. The creature returned shortly after midnight when it was reported to have grabbed Bobby Ford across the shoulders as he stood on the porch, throwing him to the ground. Bobby managed to crawl free and was later treated in St. Michael Hospital, Texarkana, for scratches across his back. He was suffering from mild shock when he arrived.
During the encounters, the Fords fired several shots at the creature and believed that they had hit it, though no traces of blood were found. An extensive search of the area failed to locate the creature but found three-toed footprints close to the house, scratch marks on the porch, and some damage to a window and the house's siding.

The story of Bobby Ford's encounter with the Fouke Monster was turned into a semi-factual, documentary-style horror feature, The Legend of Boggy Creek, which played in drive-in theaters around the country. Much of the film was shot on location in Fouke and nearby Texarkana. Most of the cast were local people or Texarkana college students. It is believed to have cost $165,000 to make. It grossed $22 million, making it the 7th highest grossing movie of the year.

It isn't currently on dvd, but you can see the whole thing on youtube starting here.

Criswell Predicts

The Amazing Criswell is best known for this introduction to Plan 9 from Outer Space, but he got his start many years earlier as a radio announcer in Los Angeles. When television came around, he would buy airtime and produce his own informercials to hawk "Criswell Family Vitamins". To fill out the show with a little variety, he started doing predictions. Due to his flamboyant delivery and magnetic personality, not to mention his very specific and fantastic prophecies, he became something of a cult celebrity in Hollywood and befriended oddballs like Ed Wood.

(sidenote: how cool would have been to hang out with Ed in the late 50's? on a given night, you could meet Criswell, Bela Lugosi, Tor Johnson and Vampira, all members of his freaky entourage. But I digress.)

While a guest on The Jack Parr Show, Criswell predicted "President Kennedy will not run for reelection in 1964 because of something that will happen to him in November 1963." He went on to predict the deaths of Martin Luther King and Jayne Mansfield, and, with these confidence-boosters in his powers of prescience, published a whole book of predictions called Criswell Predicts in 1968. Let's take a peek at what's in store. I recommend you read these out loud, in an imitation of Criswell's affectation and cadence:

Late 1970's: South Dakota will become the first state to legalize prostitution and the sale of marijuana. I predict that a group of ruthless men will control the state government of South Dakota and their open traffic in prostitution and drugs will cause repercussions throughout the country.

January 21, 1980: New York will not exist as we know it today... Shifting ocean currents and earth tremors will begin to remake the eastern coast of the United States beginning in 1971. At first the changes will be small, but within three years our geologists will know what is happening. As the coast-line shifts, the land will sink and the ocean will pour inland. Before 1978, Long Island will be mostly underwater. Only the areas that can be protected by hastily erected dikes will escape—and they, not for long. Manhattan will become a city of canals, like Venice. Billions of dollars will be spent to save New York, but by 1980, all efforts will have failed and a new New York will rise, further inland, at a great expense.

November 28 to December 21, 1980: An outburst of cannibalism will terrorize the population of one of the industrial cites in the state of Pennsylvania—Pittsburgh.

May 1, 1988, to March 30, 1989: The United States will in be swept by the popular clouds of an aphrodisiacal fragrance. ... This aroma will fill every man and woman who inhales it with uncontrolled passion. It will be sold at first "underground" like LSD or STP today. But it will soon become easily available. The sex urge will advance rapidly and many men will flagrantly expose themselves in public. Grandfathers will be accused of seducing their granddaughters and uncles will be jailed under similar crimes. Women will begin to think more of their appearance and they will have new hair styles, more attractive clothing and will use more cosmetics than ever before. [T]he driving sex urge will eventually cause orgies even greater than those of decadent Rome during the reign of the unmentionable Caesars. ... In Los Angeles, California, particularly Hollywood, sex acts will be performed openly, unashamedly on the streets. I predict that this will be difficult to control, for even the members of the law enforcement agencies will be dominated by the powerful cloud of aphrodisiac.


March 10, 1990: The very first Interplanetary Convention will be held in the new Convention Center on the famed Las Vegas Strip with colony citizens of Mars, Venus, Neptune and the Moon in full representation.

April 11, 1999: The Earth will come to an end, by way of a black rainbow which will signify the coming suffocation of our world. This black rainbow will seemingly bring about, through some mysterious force beyond our comprehension, a lack of oxygen. It will draw the oxygen from our atmosphere, as a huge snake encircling the world and feeding upon the oxygen which we need to exist. Hour after hour, it will grow worse. And we will grow weaker. It is through this that we will be so weakened that when the final end arrives, we will go silently, we will go gasping for breath, and then there will be only silence on the earth.

Well, thank heavens. Finally, after all those tribulations, the world will end in 1999. It's still a bummer, though. Let's lighten things up with a clip from Orgy of the Dead, the Necrophiliac Strip-tacular written by Ed Wood, and Criswell's only starring role:

It's Alive: Limulus polyphemus

Horseshoe crabs have barely evolved in the last 445 million years. Their closest living relatives are spiders and scorpions. There are two large compound eyes on the sides of its head, with an additional simple eye positioned at the rear of each. There are also two smaller eyes in the top of its shell, another simple eye located beneath these (on the underside of the shell), and yet another pair of simple eyes are positioned just in front of the mouth. Like sea stars, they can regrow lost limbs.

Important tip-10% of them die every year from being turned over by the surf when they head onto dry land to mate, so if you ever see one on his back, flip him over and he'll soon be on his way.

Unimportant tip- I have six lamps left in stock, and after that no more will be made. Their fabrication is too time-consuming and too toxic. Buy yours here, and learn some more fun crab facts during your visit.

The Schmidt Pain Index

Developed by Justin O. Schmidt in the 80's, the intent of this scale was to classify the degrees of torture inflicted by the stings of the insect class Hymenoptera, which includes ants, bees and wasps. For research purposes, Schmidt was personally stung many times over by most Hymenoptera species. In addition to his 1-to-4 point scale, he employed colorful language to describe the sensations (word of the day: Synesthesia - stimulation of a sense or cognitive pathway, leading to an involuntary experience in a second sense). All descriptions are direct quotes. Click on the names to learn more about each insect.

Fire ant: (1.2)
"Like walking across a shag carpet & reaching for the light switch."



Honey bee: (2.0)
"Like a matchhead that flips off and burns on your skin."



Red harvester ant: (3.0)
"Somebody is using a drill to excavate your ingrown toenail."



Tarantula hawk: (4.0)
"A running hair drier has been dropped into your bubble bath."



Bullet ant: (4.0+)
"Walking over flaming charcoal with a 3-inch rusty nail in your heel."