Futurechimp Theater: City of The Bees

Micromenagerie: Eyelash Mite

Demodex Folliculorum, the world's smallest arthropod, lives in the eyelash and surrounding hair follicles of the human face. up to 98% of adults carry them. Those who wear heavy makeup, don't wash often, or with naturally greasy skin have larger infestations, as the mites live off the sebum which collect at the base of the hair. Adverse to light, they get up at night and walk around at a speed of six inches per hour. They also mate and lay eggs in the follicle openings. Except in rare cases of weak immune systems, they present no health risks to us.

So if you're ever feeling isolated, cheer up; there are beings in the world that depend on you, and you are never truly alone.

It's Alive: Exploding Ant

In response to the call-for-entries from last week's It's Alive post, the Futurechimp offices have been flooded with suggestions. We only wish we had enough time in the world to get to both of them.

This week, let's cover (by request) Camponotus saundersi, found exclusively in Malaysia. When this ant's colony is attacked, it's capable of powerfully squeezing two large glands which are filled with poison and run the length of its body. The sudden contraction causes the ant to explode. The lethal chemical sprays in all directions, killing as many enemies as possible.

You can insert your own allegory here. Futurechimp is committed to science, not serving its own philosophical agenda. There's enough of that on other blogs already. But considering how unusual this animal is, it's surprising how little information is available on the internet. In lieu, here's a related anecdote regarding William the Conquerer: after his death, the very fat king's body sat around, without refrigeration and during a particularly hot summer, while waiting for England's nobility to arrive for the funeral.

If you're eating while reading this, you might want to set that Hot Pocket aside for a moment. From The Browser's Book of Endings by Charles Panati:

From postmortem decay the abscess had turgidly putrefied, bloating the corpse and expanding its girth. A group of bishops applied pressure on the king's abdomen to force the body downward (in the coffin) but it moved only inches; the lid still would not shut. Again they pushed, and the abdominal wall, already under intense internal pressure, burst. Pus and putrefaction drenched the king's death garb and seeped throughout the coffin. The stench so overpowered chapel mourners that, hands to noses, many raced for the doors.

Keep those suggestions coming, folks. itsalive@stexeweb.com.

Baby Primate Olympics

Notable for being an educational film which imparts no information whatsoever, Comparative Tests On A Human And A Chimpanzee Infant Of Approximately The Same Age (1932) seems more like a situation in which some scientists got their hands on a couple of babies, and were given carte blanche to mess with their heads: "What do you say we tie this baby up in a chair, then spin it around really fast to see how much he cries?" "Well, it doesn't prove anything, but it sure sounds fun".

This film is silent, so feel free to play this happy tune as accompaniment to all the baby trauma being inflicted:

Picturing The Museum

A beautiful online exhibit of vintage photographs has appeared on the site for The American Museum of Natural History in New York, where I worked as a sculptor and painter for three years. This is the greatest museum of its kind in the world, and has an amazing, often shameful history (for more on this, read Dinosaurs in The Attic). Also check out this book on the museum's dioramas, written by my old boss.

Brought to Futurechimp's attention by the always-entertaining Morbid Anatomy blog.

Enter the Exhibit Here.

Cryptid Corner: Mothman

In November of 1966, two young married couples were driving along a highway near Point Pleasant, West Virginia when they spotted a pair of red lights. Upon closer investigation, they proved to be the eyes of something "shaped like a man, but bigger, maybe six and a half or seven feet tall, with big wings folded against its back". They fled the scene, driving over 100 miles per hour with the Mothman following close behind.




This single incident generated a flood of interest, and more sightings were reported over the next year. A book was published in 1975 called The Mothman Prophecies, which sounds like a real tour-de-farce: it incorporates Men in Black, UFO's, precognitions, Bigfoot, ghosts, and numerous conspiracy theories. A movie was made in 2002, but it allegedly has little relation to the book's paranoid fantasies.

Reasonable (i.e. boring) theories about the Mothman is that it was a misidentified sandhill crane or a barn owl, but skepticism is no fun. Instead, let's indulge in this documentary made by some crackpot:



It's a silly story, but at least it resulted in a cool stainless steel sculpture which you can visit in the Mothman's hometown of Point Pleasant.

The Week in Chimps

A recent 16-month study of copulation calls among chimps in Uganda has led to the belief that female chimpanzees often keep quiet during sex when high-ranking females are nearby, so as not to cause conflict with them. But they also have loud sex when high-ranking males are nearby, hoping to attract their attention. The study went on to specify, "The female chimps we observed in the wild seemed to be much more concerned with having sex with as many different males as possible, without other females finding out about it, than causing male chimps to fight over them. We also found that the calling behavior of copulating females was unrelated to their fertile period and therefore not linked to the likelihood of conception. Copulation calling may be one potential strategy employed by female chimpanzees to advertise receptivity to high-ranked males, confuse paternity and secure future support from these socially important individuals." More details here.

In related news, chimps have huge balls. By ratio to body weight, a chimp's testicles are four times the size of a human's. The evolutionary explanation for this is simple: testicle size is relative to the promiscuity of females.

Chimps are constantly changing sex partners. There is a hierarchy within the males, but the females will sleep around with just about anyone. So the males are competing with each other with their sperm: the larger testes means higher sperm count, meaning a higher likelihood of impregnation. This isn't such a great thing for the alpha male: he spends much of his time running around picking fights with any other male engaged in coupling, but there's so much of it going on that it can't be completely controlled. For this reason, when baby chimps are born, there is shared paternity in the tribe. The chances of a jealous male killing a baby are lessened when there's always a possibility it might be his.

Gorillas, on the other hand, have testicles which are smaller than a human's. That's because the alpha male gets to sleep with all the females, who remain faithful to him, and he'll kill any male that interferes. His sperm have very low motility, and he only mates with each female a couple times a year. But since he's the only guy having sex, it's enough to get the ladies pregnant.

So we humans fall somewhere inbetween: we aren't as promiscuous as chimps, and not as monogamous as gorillas. We have a tendency to form long term relationships, but many of us are adulterous. If you want to know how much a species sleeps around, the secret is in the sack.

Breaking news from Hollywood: Cheeta The Chimp has been turned down, for the seventh time, by the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce to get a star on the walk of fame. The announcement was made yesterday. Here are the primates who made the cut: Hugh Jackman, Ben Kingsley, The Village People, Felicity Huffman, William H. Macy, Cameron Diaz, Robert Downey Jr., Tim Burton, Leslie Caron, Charles Durning, Ralph Fiennes, William Petersen, Kyra Sedgwick, John Stamos, Mark Burnett, Chuck Lorre, Kenny "Baby Face" Edmonds, Dave Koz, The Miracles, Doug Morris, Rush, Shakira, Bill Handel (a local radio host, unknown even in Los Angeles), Harry Shearer, and Tinkerbell (yes, the fictional cartoon fairy). The Tinkerbell inclusion is insulting enough, but c'mon, Baby Face? Cheeta lost to that?

But don't despair, Cheeta is on the brink of a renewed career. A biography (tentatively titled Meet Cheeta) will be released next year, he just recorded a single which will shortly be released on itunes, and he has a cameo appearance in an upcoming film called Hollywood Deadbeat. He'll get that star yet.

Pancakes

Last time I saw this was in 1976 (I was six), in elementary school on 16mm. My only memory since then was that it involved a witch who feeds people psychedelic pancakes. I was just thinking about it a week ago, then someone randomly brought it up last night. This was the first time I'd met anyone who remembered seeing it. She'd done a bunch of internet searches and found it on google video under the title Winter of The Witch.

It takes a while to get going, but give it time. It's only 22 minutes long. Even without the nostalgia factor, it stands on its own as an extremely bizarre kiddie klassic from 1969. And it's narrated by The Penguin (a.k.a. Burgess Meredith).

If interested, buy it here on dvd. And here is a similar anecdote from another site.

Doesn't the witch remind you a little of Aunt Edie from Pink Flamingoes?

Coil

Jhonn Balance and his lover Peter Christopherson split from Psychic TV in 1982 and formed Coil, going on to produce some of the most visionary music of the last 20 years. This is a feeble attempt to provide a small sampling from a huge catalog of diverse material, from 1984's Horse Rotorvator to 2005's The Ape of Naples.

After decades of self-destructive alcoholism, Jhonn Balance lost his balance, falling from the balcony of his house and dying instantly in November 2004. Since then, Christopherson has released several posthumous albums comprised of odds and ends from the archives. I don't always approve of the way he exploits his fanbase (the latest scheme is an 11 minute cd for 200 euros, although it does include a bottle of absinthe), Coil's audio alchemy will be missed. R.I.P Jhonn.

If you missed it a couple months ago, this playlist includes tracks by Coil, Thighpaulsandra, and Goblin (last week's playlist feature) not found here.

The Sixth Finger

Fitting in perfectly with Futurechimp Theory, this episode of The Outer Limits demonstrates the perils of evolution. There's even a futurechimp (a chimp whose evolution has been expedited) in the cast! Get a pen and paper to take notes (there may be a quiz later), then click these youtube links:

part 1 part 2 part 3 part 4
part 5 part 6 part 7 part 8

Watch this quick little factoid afterwards.

MicroMenagerie: Dust Mite

Dermatophagoides farinae (American Dust Mite) lives on flakes of dead human skin, which is the bulk of household dust. Having no internal digestive system, it generates a fungus, leaves it on the skin particle to to break it down, and returns to it later. It may eat the same particle several times, adding more fungus with each round. When fully digested, whatever remains is considered to be feces, even though it never entered or exited the mite's body. This is the substance that causes allergic reactions. The average person sheds 8 to 9 pounds of skin particles (dust) per year, enough food for a million mites.

Futurechimp Theater: Squeak the Squirrel

Vincent Price on Acid

This year marks the 70th anniversary of lysergic acid diethylamide, synthesized in 1938 by Albert Hoffman (pictured here). But the first LSD trip in history wouldn't happen until five years later, when Hoffman personally tried a 250 microgram hit (for comparison, today's average blotter is 20 to 80 micrograms). A description of this landmark event, from wikipedia:

After ingesting the substance Hofmann found himself struggling to speak intelligibly and asked his laboratory assistant, who knew of the self-experiment, to escort him home on his bicycle, since wartime restrictions made automobiles unavailable. On the bicycle ride home, Hofmann's condition became more severe and in his journal he stated that everything in his field of vision wavered and was distorted, as if seen in a curved mirror. Hofmann also stated that while riding on the bicycle, he had the sensation of being stationary, unable to move from where he was, despite the fact that he was moving very rapidly. Once Hofmann arrived home, he summoned a doctor...(who) could find no abnormal physical symptoms other than extremely dilated pupils. After spending several hours terrified that his body had been possessed by a demon, that his next door neighbor was a witch, and that his furniture was threatening him, Dr. Hofmann feared he had become completely insane. In his journal Hofmann said that the doctor saw no reason to prescribe medication and instead sent him to his bed. At this time Hofmann said that the feelings of fear had started to give way to feelings of good fortune and gratitude, and that he was now enjoying the colors and plays of shapes that persisted behind his closed eyes. Hofmann mentions seeing "fantastic images" surging past him, alternating and opening and closing themselves into circles and spirals and finally exploding into colored fountains and then rearranging themselves in a constant flux. Hofmann mentions that during the condition every acoustic perception, such as the sound of a passing automobile, was transformed into optical perceptions. Eventually Hofmann slept and upon awakening the next morning felt refreshed and clearheaded, though somewhat physically tired. He also stated that he had a sensation of well being and renewed life and that his breakfast tasted unusually delicious. Upon walking in his garden he remarked that all of his senses were "vibrating in a condition of highest sensitivity, which then persisted for the entire day".

The most prominent psychedelic research of the era was done by Aldous Huxley, who was believed to have been introduced to peyote by Aleister Crowley in 1930, and started experimenting with mescaline in the early 50's. The Doors of Perception was published as a result, and shortly afterwards he tried LSD. He wrote, "To be shaken out of the ruts of ordinary perception, to be shown for a few timeless hours the outer and inner world, not as they appear to an animal obsessed with survival or to a human being obsessed with words and notions, but as they are apprehended, directly and unconditionally, by Mind at Large — this is an experience of inestimable value to everyone and especially to the intellectual." Famously, Huxley tripped on his deathbed with consecutive injections of acid, administered by his wife, until he passed away.

In the early 60's, the CIA flooded San Francisco with LSD during their Project MKULTRA and Midnight Climax experiments (which used unsuspecting citizens as lab rats), and thanks to their efforts, the psychedelic culture was born. Just a couple years later, even kids like this were hip to it. As John Lennon said, "We must always remember to thank the CIA and the Army for LSD...they invented LSD to control people, and what they did was give us freedom."

But the real impetus for this post in the first place was just to show this clip from The Tingler (1959):



This was the first LSD reference in any film. The screenwriter had been introduced to it by Aldous Huxley himself. Vincent Price plays a scientist studying the biological effects of fear. He's just set down a book conspicuously titled "Fright Effects Induced By Injection Of Lysergic Acid LSD25". It was still legal and unregulated, and would remain so until 1966.

It's Alive: Anglerfish

The deep sea anglerfish inhabits the abyssal zone (depths below 13,000 feet which receive no daylight). A bioluminescent appendage (an esca) extends outwards from the dorsal fin, which the angler darts and dangles about to mimic the movement of a small fish. The jaw is hardwired to the lure, so the fish can swallow her prey, in one bite, the moment the lure is touched. The jaw and stomach are both flexible enough to enable her to eat victims twice the size of her entire body.

Anglerfish are among the most sexually dimorphic animals in the world. Only the females have lures, and can reach up to 30 inches long. The males, on the other hand, are much smaller, and parasitic; when a male reaches sexual maturity, his digestive system shuts down. He then uses his highly developed olfactory organs to find a female by smelling her pheromones. Once located, he bites down and releases enzymes which dissolve and bond the tissue of his mouth into her skin, and connects his blood vessels directly with hers. Soon his body degenerates down to little more than a pair of testes, which release sperm when they detect the release of eggs.

Hey kids: got any unusual animals you'd like to see in next week's It's Alive? Send your recommendations to itsalive@stexeweb.com. You might win a prize! (disclaimer: no prizes will be awarded.)

Goblin 1975-1984

Selections from the soundtracks to Deep Red, Tenebre, Dawn of the Dead, Phenomena, Suspiria and Contamination. Goblin disbanded in the late 70's, but the band's primary songwriter, Claudio Simonetti, continued operating under the moniker as a film composer. He most recently scored Dario Argento's Mother of Tears, currently in theaters.

Cryptid Corner: Gigantopithecus

Gigantopithecus was the largest ape in history. He existed from one million to 300 thousand years ago, making him a bunkmate with the Neanderthal and Homo Erectus. He stood up to ten feet tall and weighed over half a ton.

This massive creature's fossils were first discovered by a pharmacist in 1935 (fossilized bone is ground into a powder for some chinese folk medicines), who gave it the goofy name. Other remains have been found mostly in China, Vietnam and India, leading to the educated guess that the species stayed within southeast Asia. It is believed they went extinct from an inability to adapt to climate change.

So if the Gigantopithecus actually existed, why is it here in the Cryptid Corner? Because some believe a few strays might still be hanging around, and this provides the most reasonable explanation for Bigfoot, the Yeti, the Florida Skunk Ape, and other hairy hominid legends. You won't hear an accredited scientist giving this any credence, but science has never deterred the cryptozoologists.

CyberShams

An unconvincing website, cyberchimps.org, asserts that a chimp has joined facebook and can chat with other users. This is an offensive claim, partially because the average chimp has better things to do than waste his life on facebook, and also because it's not true. This primatology.net article does the simple job of refuting it.

In other monkey news, a recent development for Cheeta the Chimp. There's a new, morally dubious website claiming to pursue getting Cheeta a star on Hollywood's walk of fame, and selling his paintings at a huge markup: a 16 x 20 canvas goes for $350 plus shipping, even though you can still order a painting (with colors of your own choosing) from Cheeta himself for $135. That money goes directly to Cheeta's care. With this other site, they make no such claims, leading me to suspect chimpsploitation.
Why would anyone give a damn about the walk of fame anyhow? It's just letters on a sidewalk. Besides, you don't have to give money to some chisler website to get Cheeta a star in Hollywood. Just sign this petition. It's free. Then go here to make a donation to the C.H.E.E.T.A. sanctuary, and commission a painting while you're at it.

Le Pétomane

In the late 19th century, Joseph Pujol, operating under the stage name "Le Pétomane" (loosely translates to "fart-maniac") entertained thousands with his ability to fart on cue. He would open his show with impressions of animals and celebrities. Then, after a brief pause offstage, he'd reappear with a rubber hose dangling out of the back of his pants, which he'd hook up to an ocarina for a stirring rendition of "claire de lune". The same hose was then used to smoke cigarettes and blow out the stage lights.

Audiences were often reduced to uncontrollable hysteria during his act, some fainting from laughter. Nurses were allegedly in the theater for medical assistance. These showstopper performances led him all the way up to the prestigious Moulin Rouge, and he soon became the highest paid entertainer in France. He performed for the Prince of Wales, King Leopold, and Sigmund Freud.

As you can imagine, this copious amount of exhaust didn't come all the way down from his windpipe; Pujol had a unique ability to flex his abdominal muscles to suck wind into his colon as well as release it on command.

Pujol dropped out of showbiz after WW1, and operated a biscuit factory (not to be confused with an air-biscuit factory) until his death at the age of 88 in 1945. You can visit his grave at the La Valette-du-Var cemetary in France.

Here's a surprisingly tasteful short film about Le Pétomane from the 70's:

Futurechimp Theater: The Winged Scourge

I'm back from the Amazon, but still applying hydrocortizone to mosquito bites, and have to take these malaria pills every day for the next four weeks. So it's a good time to review this hyperbolic little treasure. The narration is priceless in its drama: "Little does he suspect he's to be the victim of this bloodthirsty vampire!" and, "He may not die, but he will never truly be alive."

But actually, malaria is pretty nasty. A person dies from it every 30 seconds. Once contracted, there's no getting rid of it: there is no vaccine. And like the flu, the disease is constantly building resistance to antimalarial drugs. So what can you do about it? Stay away from endemic areas and wear lots of carcinogenic deet. Please do NOT follow the example set by this film: pouring loads of motor oil into a pond to destroy every living thing in it does not bring us towards a more sustainable planet. "Give them the oil treatment! That'll kill 'em!"

Leafcutter Ants

Shot a few days ago in the Peruvian rainforest on my little digital camera with a pitifully small memory card.

This was an area roughly 100 feet in diameter with no vegetation, completely decimated by the leafcutters. The mounds were each about six feet wide. The ants had to walk outside of the colony's perimeter and 50 feet up a tree to the canopy to get more leaves.

The ants don't actually eat the leaves; they use them as mulch to cultivate a fungus, with naturally occurring microbes on their bodies as starters.

The large ant seen in the beginning of the video is categorized as a "major", one of the four types of ants found in a leafcutter colony (excepting the queen). He's one of the soldiers who defends the nest, and can grow up to 15 millimeters in length. In order of size, the others are the "mediae", who do the cutting and carrying, the "minors", who provide additional defense, and the "minims", who stay underground and tend to the fungus gardens.

You'll find about 200 other leafcutter videos on youtube, mostly shot by astonished gringos like myself. But a well-produced and informative documentary can be seen here.

Music from insecta.

From Here to Eternity

The entire first side of Giorgio Moroder's classic album, heard as a single track (as intended), just because.