Oliver: Chimp of the Future

Oliver was captured in the congo as a baby and acquired by Frank and Janet Berger in the late 60's. He taught himself to walk perfectly upright on two legs, and had an almost hairless head. He supposedly prepared his own martinis, smoked cigars, and enjoyed watching television and feeding the dog. But when he turned 16 they had to give him up because he became sexually attracted to Janet. His repeated attempts at mounting her became dangerous.
The precocious and horny ape was purchased by a new york lawyer and taken on a tour of Japan to appear on TV commercials and promote Monkees concerts. At this time, some japanese anthropologists and scientists incorrectly claimed that Oliver had an unusual genotype, and could be a chimp / human hybrid.
He lived in a succession of cheap theme park attractions in California throughout the 70's and 80's. Attempts at integrating him into some sanctuaries failed; the "normal" chimps simply didn't get along with him. Despite the exciting speculation that Oliver could be a missing link, or a "Humanzee", he had nowhere to go. He was purchased in 1989 by a for-profit company that leased out animals for testing.
Poor Oliver spent the next nine years all alone in a tiny cage. His muscles atrophied to the point that his limbs always trembled. Finally, the Primarily Primates organization relocated him to a spacious retirement home in 1998 where he continues to live today, arthritic and blind.
As much as we here at Futurechimp.com wish it were otherwise, the humanzee falls well within the realm of cryptozoology. Advancements in DNA testing have led to the unequivocal conclusion that Oliver is definitely a chimpanzee. His humanoid features, while striking, are part of the large variation you'll find in the world of chimps.

Dante's Inferno Resurrected

I'd try to describe this Coney Island fun house, but this wonderful site has done such an exhaustive job, you should just read that. And unfortunately, there are no tolerable ride-through videos on youtube. But check out this promo about a near-identical Inferno made by the same company, installed in Wildwood, New Jersey.

Last I heard, the ride made its final descent to hell at the end of the summer 2007 season. The property it sits on, Astroland, was sold to a condo developer. They've already bulldozed the go-kart tracks, mini-golf courses, and batting cages on nearby 12th street, and its attractions were sold to an amusement park in South America (I believe this includes the zipper, the scrambler, and the similar but inferior Ghost Hole ride). What makes these guys such dicks is that they tore it all down before they had an approved housing plan in place. So now it's a fenced-off empty lot. Dante's Inferno was among the many rides to be put on the auction block domestically last summer (asking price: $299,000). However, I learned today that it's been given a temporary reprieve; public demand has convinced the new owners to lease the boardwalk and Astroland for another year or two, until the condo development gets going. That's the way I understand it, at least, from the wikipedia page. Coney Island's official website doesn't mention any of this.
The same owners are set to follow the high rise properties with a completely revamped coney island pier and boardwalk. In a few years, it'll look just like New York's South Street Seaport, San Francisco's Pier 39, or Chicago's Navy Pier: a soulless, anonymous shopping mall. The Cyclone roller coaster is protected as some kind of national landmark, and the Wonder Wheel might keep spinning, but the rest of the place is doomed for sure. Try to make it out to what's left of coney island this summer, and invest five dollars and 1 minute, 48 seconds in my favorite operating dark ride.

The Evolution Will Be Televised

I hear China has thousands of chimps working as gold farmers.

Harpo's on a Shooting Rampage

Bonus: Harpo talks about one of his first jobs (playing piano in a whorehouse). It was recorded while he was preparing his memoir, Harpo Speaks, which I've just started reading.

Put On Your 3-D Glasses Now

remember, the red lens goes over the left eye.

From The Mask (1961), the greatest (and only) Canadian 3-D movie. I'm among its many fans; an out-of-print used VHS tape sells for upwards of $100 on ebay, but you can get a cheap bootleg DVD (includes glasses) here.

Music for Killer Robots

Man vs. Chimp

I have many problems with this competition. Here are three of them:

1-They aren't physically matched. This homo sapien is a navy seal, within a fraction of the top 1% of humans for strength and endurance, while the pan troglodytes was probably pulled out of a nearby zoo, where he spent his life sitting in a concrete box. If you're going to use an average american chimp, he should be matched up with an average american person: a 250-pound, pizza-flavored-combos-eating blob whose only exercise is waddling from the couch to the toilet. Don't you typically pair up competitors based on their respective abilities in sporting events?
2-The chimp isn't in it to win it. Look how he slowly lumbers across the finish line. But that's no suprise, since chimps are highly evolved, intelligent creatures. Why would they have any interest in exploiting themselves on a game show? Hey man, if you really want to "destroy the beast", as the announcer claims you did, just try making him mad. See what happens. But you might want to read this first.
3-True story: that guy ended his Navy stint, joined up with Blackwater, and was killed in Iraq. I mean no disrespect to his memory or his family. It's tragic to die so needlessly, and double-tragic if he believed the lies his government told to put him in harm's way. The monkey, on the other hand, we can assume is living a healthy life somewhere safe, and might even have fathered some children since this video was shot. So, if we were to apply the principles of natural selection, which of these primates is the winner?

Hail to the Chimp

Winky Dink Redux

Winky Dink and You ran from '53 to '57, and still stands as one of the most innovative concepts in the vast cultural wasteland of children's television. Kids were invited to draw directly over the screen with a piece of plastic film and special crayons, forming a collaboration with the storyteller. How this ever got cancelled is beyond me. But there allegedly were a lot of complaints from parents that their children were drawing directly on the tv screen without first mailing in for the accessory kit.
Thanks to the miracle of youtube, we can now play the original Winky Dink for the first time in over 50 years. All you need are a few materials you should easily be able to find around your workplace:
-a piece of clear plastic, large enough for your computer monitor (3mm mylar is ideal, but you can substitute a sheet protector or even plastic wrap)
-scotch tape
-dry erase markers, different colors
-a cloth or tissue for erasing
After you have your tools and materials assembled, click on the link below to be redirected to the youtube page. Then click the box in the lower-right corner of the player to expand the video to full screen. Let the magic of drawing commence.
bonus trivia: if the host looks familiar, that's Jack Berry. He was almost ruined in the late 50's by the scandal over his rigged game show (depicted the movie Quiz Show) but revived his career and hosted The Joker's Wild until the day he died. If Winky's voice sounds familiar, that's Mae Questel, the voice of Betty Boop and Olive Oyl from the 30's. She also played the grandma in National Lampoon's Vacation.
(by the way, there's a Winky Dink dvd set with included kit available, but don't confuse it with this video: it's a remake from the 70's that I haven't seen).
CLICK HERE TO BEGIN

Chimp or Astro-Chimp?

Face it, the Soviets won the space race. The first satellite, the first animal in space (Laika the dog), the first man in orbit... what did the U.S.A. ever do? Land on the moon? Come on. We all know that was faked. The only great accomplishment in the American space program was Ham, the Chimponaut.

Named as an acronym for the Holloman Aerospace Medical center where he was trained, the four-year-old hominid 'learned' how to operate levers by means of banana pellets and electric shocks for positive and negative responses. On January 31, 1961, he was loaded into a capsule and sent briefly into outer space. He received wireless signals to pull different levers (obviously, they didn't control anything; the point was to find out if a human could perform operations while in flight). From takeoff to splashdown, the whole mission lasted 16 minutes and 39 seconds. He looks happy to still be alive in this footage, despite his smashed nose. Ham lived out the remainder of his miserable existence at a zoo, taking breaks to appear in variety shows and the Evel Knievel movie. He died at the age of 27 in 1983. You can visit his grave at the New Mexico Museum of Space History.

Johnny Rotten, Television Personality

1976- a 19-year old from a poor family with rotten teeth and a permanently deformed back (from a childhood case of spinal meningitis) becomes frontman for the most infamous band in the world. Their notoriety is largely due to Johnny and company's remarks on the Bill Grundy show:

1979- after the Sex Pistols self-destruct, Johnny immediately forms Public Image Ltd. with guitar pioneer Keith Levene. Still a prankster, he pulls off what I consider to be one of the most subversive moments in television history, a call to arms on "American Bandstand":

1997- Johnny appears on "Judge Judy", presumably to promote the Sex Pistols reunion to an audience of daytime tv-watching housewives:

2004- Johnny appears on the British version of I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! In most cases, reality shows are the final circle of hell for washed-up celebrities. But he proves himself still capable of getting on people's nerves by calling the show's viewers a bunch of "f*cking c*nts" during a live broadcast. Sadly, this moment is not available on youtube, nor is the series of insect documentaries he hosted for the discovery channel. What's next? A cooking show? (if the title "Rotten Food" showed up on my digital cable menu, I would definitely click on it).

The Truth about De-Evolution

Three Commercials that Horrified Me as a Kid

5 years old - It's Alive


7 years old - Suspiria


9 years old - Magic

Germans

Deconstructing Furby

Cheeta: Hollywood Legend, Artist for Hire

This clip has it all: Bela Lugosi, the infamous Sammy Petrillo (yes, his career was terminated by Jerry Lewis), and Cheeta The Chimp.

Cheeta is best known for starring in seven of the tarzan movies. After a lifetime of busting ass all over hollywood, he now lives in a sanctuary in Palm Springs. At the age of 75, he's the oldest (non-human) primate in the world. Make a $125 tax-deductable donation to his retirement, and you'll get a painting in return. Select the color palette, and Cheeta will custom paint something for you and sign it with a thumbprint. I donated to this worthy cause, and only six days later my painting arrived in the mail. What are you waiting for? Give Cheeta your money!

Pleasant Dreams

A Tubeway Army Collection

Tangerine Dream 1971-1975

Die Musik von Klaus Schulze ist Sehr Kosmich!

Hippies

Punks

A Solvent Collection

"Go Baby Go!"